the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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