Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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