My underwear smells like fireworks.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
