im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
