I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
