Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
