instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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