According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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