i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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