Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
