I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize