Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
