dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize