I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
