its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
