So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
