shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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