You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
we should paint friendship bongs
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