Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I didn't notice because vodka
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
