I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Only a mothe r could love this liver
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Slut skills are useful in every country.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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