how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
