Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize