i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
