awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
