our cab driver is having phone sex.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
