Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
