tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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