herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
