either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
