he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
