maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
