Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
