I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
