I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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