my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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