it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
