I'd wear matching sweaters with you
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
