I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
