I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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