Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
