I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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