I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
