why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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