He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Dick very happy bro
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