Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
