i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
