Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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