chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
