i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
