I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
