I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize