apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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