he puts the penis in happiness.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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