oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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