I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
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