Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Randomize
