He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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