apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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