The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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