obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
