Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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