Your dad touched me again.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
We named our party play list daddy issues
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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