How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
