If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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