i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
